The roar of the river, and so close,
Drowned everything including sound,
Couldn’t even hear my mind’s prose,
Beneath, the slippery shaky ground.
The whirlpool right in front of me,
Couldn’t fathom how deep it could go,
To be locked in it, and lose the key,
Forever, with no more despair to grow.
My mind’s whirlpool was getting bigger,
Consuming everything, from inside out,
Event that led to this, and the rigour,
Everything that I thought I knew about.
Stood there thinking, on the bank of the river,
Cold wind touched my skin and I began to shiver.
Lot of rejections, a failed life I thought,
People who once “adored” had started to hate,
This agony and pain, on myself I had brought,
There won’t be any if they left at this rate.
The image of a life I had in my mind,
Things that I had started to believe,
In last few days all of it came unwind,
It started to question my love to live.
It was the river I had followed,
All the way up, and on way back,
And saw everything it had mowed,
The mountains it made to crack.
I walked a few steps on the bank, and now closer,
Thought it was okay if the world called me a loser.
Everything started to become hazy,
Was getting ready to make the jump,
Thoughts in my head were going crazy,
Clearly heard my heart’s frantic pump.
Everything fell silent all around, including the river’s roar.
I clearly heard but turned to find no one, and it shook my core.
I had clearly heard my Mom’s calling,
But I couldn’t see her anywhere near,
Didn’t know what kept me from falling,
And the whole event too much to bear.
More than a year later, when I think of it,
Perilously close I actually was to commit.
Cannot thank enough the divine intervention,
A blunder it would have been, for any reason.
All these days, this past in me had dormantly lied,
Nothing remained same, that was the day “I” died.
The “I” that was meek, and fragile..
The “I” that was weak and easily broke….
Lot of things were unfolding in my life during that time, and the mountains had turned my life upside down. People had changed, definitions had changed, and outlook had changed, or so I thought. I was finding it really hard to cope with all of it at once. And it is that moment of weakness I have portrayed in my poem above. Depression is a killer. You might not be as lucky as I am to have a divine intervention. So, please talk it out.
Remember, suicide is a crime against your loved ones!
In frame: River Ganga flowing through a valley, under an overcast sky, downhill from Devprayag, in Uttarakhand, India. It was here we had stopped for lunch on our last day in the mountains more than a year ago.
VERY IMPORTANT TO NOTE: Yes, you can share this work with proper attribution. But, please seek permission before using this work (not including the photo), partially or fully. YOU CAN NOT USE THE PHOTO. Believe me, asking is better than ending up in court or facing public shaming on social media. Thanks for understanding.
© Amrit Panigrahy. All rights reserved.